it is important this time of year to routinely check your supplies and stay prepared for when god’s hatred descends upon you in the form of hurricanes and their evil tornado spawn. we at digital death understand this and feel that we should do our part to make sure everyone has the things they need to not only survive in, but thrive in the disastrous conditions that could potentially ensue. it is in this spirit that we will guide you in not only collecting your supplies but how to adequately use them as well. we’ll also cover some basic planning and emergency escape route plotting.

first and formost, the list of supplies:

• duct tape
• several large canvas bags
• a brick (possibly two for redundancy)
• a crow bar
• a large pickup truck
• plenty of gasoline (be sure to top off your tanks and fill several 5 gallon containers as well)
• fake id
• running shoes
• large caliber handgun or riot gun (riot guns can be modified from shotguns fairly easily)
• plenty of ammo
• 2 cases of your favorite light beer (you don’t want to be weighed down, but being drunk is a must)
• 2 ounces of pot
• at least 8 grams of cocaine
• several empty glass bottles
• old rags or washcloths
• ski mask
• hooded sweat shirt
• durable pants such as blue jeans or dickies

once all of your supplies are loaded, you will be ready to begin planning for the storm and plotting your emergency escape routes. we have taken the time to put together some important tips to keep in mind when making your plans. if you follow our advice, you should have a safe and relaxed hurricane season knowing you are ready for any foul weather that could be headed your way. lets get started, shall we?

• the news will tell you to pack away some emergency cash. this is completely unnecessary for you.  if you followed our supply guide, you should have your pistol or riot gun loaded and ready for action. this will provide the adequate intimidation needed for extracting cash from those who idiotically listened to the weather guy and stashed away several hundred dollars.
• make absolutely sure that the bags you get are canvas. regular glad trash bags will not hold up to the weight and stress placed on them by being abruptly filled with valuables then jerked around suddenly as you run away. canvas bags were designed for this kind of thing. don’t skimp on the bags.
• we also strongly suggest that you keep multiple bricks handy. it would be a good idea to just have several laying in the bed of your truck where they can be easily grabbed. its easy to lose them in the store once they have been thrown through the window and you may not have time to recover them.
• be sure to consume as much beer as you can while still staying alert and responsive. its much easier to make the kinds of snap decisions necessary in these situations if you are not clouded with such annoyances like good judgment and concern for others.
• always wear your ski mask and hoodie, and keep your fake id handy. this will prevent those who are not on board with your good planning from being able to do a whole lot about it. the gun will assist with that as well.
• always use caution when filling the glass bottles with gasoline and stuffing the ends with the rags. you don’t want to get any gas on you, as it may ignite when you set the rag on fire just prior to throwing it into the storefront after carefully removing any and all valuables.
• it is a good idea to repeatedly wash and dry your jeans or dickies prior to  storing them away for the hurricane season.  this will keep them loose and flexible for when you need to  run on short notice.
• if you start to feel tired midway through executing your plan, don’t hesitate to stop and blow a few grams of coke up your nose. this will immediately rejuvinate you and enable you to continue on your way for several more hours. it is a good idea to use your cocaine in a conservative fashion, however. you will most likely need it later.
• at some point you may need assistance with getting larger items into the back of your truck. this is where the bag of pot comes in handy. simply present the nearest resident with a freshly rolled spliff and he will most likely want to help you. after the items are loaded, relax in the cab of the truck and allow him to get stoned. this will make it easier to take his wallet and dump him on the side of the road later.
• some of the residents may decide to lock their doors and/or fences. this may interfere with your plans. keep the crowbar handy just in case.
• it is important that duct tape be used. skimping on the tape and substituting masking tape, painters tape, or some other flimsy wide roll tape will result the tape not adhering properly to the mouths of your victims, and will not adequately keep thier hands strapped behind their backs.

if you follow these points, you should have a happy and profitable hurricane season. good luck and god bless.